The Joys of Colored Underwear

Now that I’m home for two months I am feeling a bit like one of those LWL’s (Ladies Who Lunch, for those with real jobs). You see, when I was so under-employed and poor, I didn’t shop. Heck, I couldn’t even afford the gas it took to get me to the store, let alone the actual purchase price of an item (even with discounts and coupons because, after all, I am a Jewish girl). So now, it’s time to play catch up.

First item on my shopping list – lingerie. To be more specific white bra’s and white panties. I hear ya, sounds uh, sexy. Let me explain. I am an officer on the ship I work on. That means that this redhead who loves color must wear white – all the time. Yes, white pants, white skirt, white shirt (with very impressive gold stripes), white belt and white shoes. And while they don’t specify what my under-garment color should be, it’s generally accepted that well, you don’t wear your purple underpants with the word “Juicy” written across the back.

Now let me first say, I see nothing wrong with this. We all know that people wear underwear (well most do anyway – and if you’re wearing white pants, you really should). So why is it such a problem if people see them? I’m not talking about VPL’s (Guys – that’s Visible Panty Lines). The look should be smooth, but colorful, yes? Apparently I’m out voted. So, in the interest of soaking my unmentionables (another phrase regarding underwear I don’t understand. Why not mention them?) in Woolite in my bathtub a few less times, I went shopping for white bras and panties.

I scavenged through the racks of bras. There were lace, satin, cotton, sports, underwire, T-shirt bra’s (what is that?), T-back, strapless, push-up, miracle, wonder (these last two cause me to think that the next big craze in bra’s will be called Yowza!). I grabbed whatever white, off-white and nude colored (doesn’t that imply see-thru?) bra’s I could find. I tried them all on. Only one word came to mind – blah. While I know my uniform does nothing to show that I actually have breasts (and mighty fine ones at that), I want to at least feel like a girl underneath.

This seems like a good time to mention a few pet peeves regarding bra shopping; why do bra-makers insist on adjusting the straps to the shortest possible spot so that when you put it on, the cups are around your ears and you can’t lower your arms (my ears, by the way are a B-cup)? And why do stores insist on putting the plastic string thing that holds the tags (I’m sure they have a proper name) through the strap so you can’t adjust it without ripping off the tag?

I spend 10 minutes painstakingly placing the vast whiteness lying on the bench in front of me back onto their individual hangers. And while we’re speaking of this, one more pet peeve – hangers. Not like Mommy Dearest wire hangers, but the plastic ones that never, ever hold a bra in the same manner in which it was original placed on it during the manufacturing process. It’s like a Christmas present that doesn’t fit back in the box it came in, no matter how hard you try. So I walk out of the fitting room with my head held high muttering something about tags and hangers. I cannot bring myself to purchase any of the snow-white, nude or beige models I have tried. I’m a woman of color after all (no, I’m definitely a white girl but, give me a purple, red or bright blue anything and I’m halfway to the check-out line).

As I’m walking out of the lingerie department, dejected and partly snow-blinded from all of the white I’ve just experienced, I see it. It’s lace, it’s aqua (or maybe turquoise, I can never tell the difference), it’s beautiful. I must try it on! After I get the cups down from my ears, I look in the mirror. Oh, you had me at aqua. It’s lovely. Just the right amount of lift. The black trim and lace add just a touch of naughtiness. My girls are thrilled – and so am I. I don’t even bother messing with the dreaded hanger. She’s mine, all mine. While I’m at it, I pick up that pretty black Wonder-Bra that makes my girls look even more impressive and head for the check-out line.

Next week I will put on my beautiful aqua and black lace bra along with my black underwear and head out to the store to, once again, shop for white lingerie.