My Schizophrenic Life

I’ve always considered myself a jack of all trades. In fact, during my years of self-employment I identified my company as Global Concierge. What does a concierge do? Pretty much anything you need (as long as it’s legal). And the “global” part? Due to my travel/tourism background, I can pretty much get it done anywhere in the world (no small feat if you know international travel – or New Orleans). This background seems to be helping me support myself while I struggle with this reinvention thing.

You see, currently I’m working five part-time jobs. I am a Writer, Sponsorship Getter, Corporate Meeting and Event Manager, Garden Employee and Operations Assistant for a Tour Company. Many of these jobs I do all in one day. Choose a hat and I’ll wear it (though, due to the curly hair, I will have hat hair for the rest of the day)!

Just today, I spent most of the day in training for my new, part-time, seasonal job at a local botanical garden. Okay, and writing this at the same time (they’re showing photo’s of VIPs right now – wait, where’s my picture?).

When that ended, I headed home to have a telephone conversation with a tour company owner whom I do some writing, tour design assistance and operations for. Following that, I sent some writing samples to the head of an upcoming travel writers’ conference coming to town which I would like to attend but can’t afford, even with my five jobs. I followed that up with an E-mail to a meeting planning client whose meeting I didn’t work this year because they can’t afford to hire me (not due to my exorbitant salary, I assure you). Finally, phone calls to potential staff to work at the airport for a client coming into town. Oh, and of course, sitting down and telling you all about it.

That’s one day. Tomorrow I will get up and do it all again. And yet, I’m making less than half the salary I used to make. I’m beginning to think that if I’m going to have five jobs, I should re-think what those jobs should be. So, here is a list of my top five dream jobs:

1) Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol

Job Description – Travel the country stalking people, handing out supersized checks (strange that they still use checks. To keep up with the times, perhaps they should switch to extremely large debit cards) and carrying around balloons, lots of balloons.

Salary – No Idea.

Benefits – Hugs from winners, travel, getting to play Santa Claus on a regular basis.

2) Oprah? Ellen? Craig Ferguson? Jon Stewart (just added him)? I’m still here!

Job Description – Read the Oprah/Ellen post.

 Salary – more than I’m makin’ now.

Benefits – You get a new car, and you get a trip to Australia, and. . . Ok, I’d settle for dental.

3) International Tour Manager (yeah, I’ve done this before and left due to burn-out, and couldn’t get back in due to world events).

Job Description – Escorting travelers around the world, exposing them to different cultures, exploring ancient ruins and world famous museums. Eating wonderful meals. Pushing wheelchairs through the cobblestone streets of Italy. Serving water on broken airplanes as the flight attendants refused (and I must take care of my peeps). Trying to figure out how Iberia Airlines stays in business.

Salary – wish it were more but it is what it is. I still miss it.

Benefits – Travel, Frequent Flyer Miles, Addiction to Melatonin, International Romance.

4) Mother (always wanted to do this job but it never quite worked out)

Job Description – Nine month probationary period includes nauseousness, vomiting, weight gain, incontinence and sleeplessness (will continue for at least 5 years). Following probationary period, anticipated duties include feeding, burping, lots of diaper changing, cleaning bodily fluids, educating, chauffeuring setting a good example, being on call 24/7. Desired qualities include the patience of a saint, leading by example, enjoys working with children, strong stomach and an inordinate amount of love to give.

Salary – this is an unpaid position.

Benefits – creating a human being and raising them to be, as we’d say in my family, a mensch. Oh and love.

Note – similar to supreme court justice, this is a lifetime position.

5) Full Time Writer

Job Description – uh, writing.

Salary – aaahh, as Shakespeare would say, “there’s the rub.”

Benefits – creative release, entertaining others (hopefully), working in my PJ’s, informing the public, continuous learning and a sense of accomplishment when it’s finally finished.

So, I continue with my schizophrenic life until I one of these jobs, or something I have not even dreamed of becomes available. For now, I feel a sense of accomplishment as, it’s finally finished.

 

The Adventure Continues or Oprah’s Loss, Ellen’s Gain?

When I was younger, I used to sit around waiting for a call from a guy, now I sit and wait for a call from Oprah. As was usually the case with the guy, she never called. While I still hold out hope that she will come to her senses, I’m moving on. Oprah  is like a bad boyfriend.

My plan for this blog was to record my OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network, in case you’ve forgotten) adventure of going through the process until my show premiered, and beyond. Hhhhmmm. You may have noticed that I stopped writing. Well, I’ve recently received some E-mails from folks saying they enjoyed reading the blog and asking how to subscribe. So, in the interest of giving the people what they want, I am continuing the blog. And besides, this is still my own adventure.

My latest adventure? “Oprah’s Loss, Ellen’s Gain?”

As I try to get over Oprah’s rejection of my fantastic show idea and my sparkling personality (not to mention my incredible modesty), I decided that Oprah isn’t the only game in town. And while Ellen DeGeneres might not have her own network, the lady has some power. So now I’ve written Ellen. I’m not asking for my own show (note the lower case own), just a gig – uh, I’m not sure I can get away with gig – let’s just say spot. 

Dear Ellen –

 My name is Carole and, I’m sorry to break the news but, well, Oprah has seriously lost her mind! Hhhmmmm, I’ve been rejected by Oprah. Well, not quite rejected, she must have just lost my number (that’s what I used to tell myself about the phone call from the guy who said he’d call). Anyway, Oprah’s loss is your gain! I am now available to work with you on the Ellen Show.

 I would hate for you to think that you’re my second choice. Not true! That would be Craig Ferguson, but I’m not sure I could stay up that late. Kidding. Really. Oprah advertised for the position. That’s why she was my first choice. But, as I’ve noticed from searching the want ads, most people don’t get  jobs through advertisements, they get them through networking. The problem? You and I don’t know the same people (do you know Susan, the lady who owns the restaurant down the street from me?). Yeh, that’s what I thought.

So now I’m cold calling. Please peek at my Oprah audition (it was still on the OWN site last I checked) and substitute the name Ellen every time I use the word Oprah or Oprah Winfrey Network. And, since I’m looking for a segment from you instead of a show, tell me what you want. Really, I can do anything. Want me to jump out of an airplane? No problem – been there, done that. Bobsled? Yup. Dogsled? In Alaska. Ultralight? Let’s fly!

Or, since I really do hate looking at myself on camera – (Is there such a thing as the opposite of body dismorphic syndrome? I think my body looks better than it actually does), how about I write for you?  

Anyway, I’ll be waiting by the phone for your call – old habits die hard. Maybe you’ll call. Or maybe that guy I met when I was 23 who said he’d call will finally find my phone number.

Can’t wait to hear from you.

Your new reporter from the street (or the sky, or the water),

Carole

My video is up and running!

I took the weekend away to go work in Dallas (a girl’s gotta make a living) and, when I returned, the video was posted. Yay!!! The link is http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=video_details&response_id=16764&promo_id=1

I’m somewhat happy with the video. I think I just don’t like watching myself, but that’s not important. What’s important is that you want to watch me. And I can’t thank Lynn enough for her hard work on this. She made me look better than I really do. And her editing got the video looking smooth and down to size in order to get it uploaded. I’m most happy with the written application which you don’t see. I think my writing experience really played a big part in the quality of my application and I hope that Oprah’s people will be impressed.

Now comes the voting. First, a brief explanation of how it works. Some people have noted that I don;t stand a chance as there are some people with millions of votes. Yes, I applied later in the game and it will be reflected in my vote count. Still, there’s no way that those millions of votes are real. I’m guessing there are “bots” (computer generated automatic votes) involved. And, since bots are prohibited, I’m hoping they will be disqualified. Also, I’m hoping they take into account the amount of votes you received and the day you applied.

While your votes mean a lot (so keep voting!) and you may vote more than once (without even watching the video again), it is only part of the selection process. The top five valid vote getters (is “getters” a word?) are guaranteed a spot in the semi-finals, with one person from that group guaranteed a spot in the finals. I’m happy to say that the producers are supposedly viewing all submissions and will choose others to compete in the semi-finals and finals.

Also, some have questioned the fact that when they vote for me, the number of votes doesn’t change. From what I’ve noticed is that the vote numbers are periodically updated. So you may not see it immediately but rest assured, it will count and is much appreciated.

If you’d like to view and vote please click on the link http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=video_details&response_id=16764&promo_id=1 .

And if you’d like to immediately vote again you may click on the link again or go to the “Browse and Vote” section and type in Carole in the search box. I’m the one in the short sleeved, lime-green top (the same color as the vote button!). Click on me and you can click vote again. . . and again. . . and again!

Voting is open until 11:59pm Pacific Time on July 3rd. Please spread the word! And don’t forget, go to http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=video_details&response_id=16764&promo_id=1

Thanks so much and come back for updates.

Argh! Still Trying!

So, the video was uploaded yesterday and I just needed Oprah’s approval before it appeared on line. Finally! Then, late last night I received an E-mail from Oprah’s Team saying that my video “contained materials such as logos, signs, or other protected materials.” Lynn had added some file photo’s she had of me to show some of my adventures. Unfortunately, I was wearing a sweatshirt in one of them that had a Regency Cruises logo. Are they afraid that I’m advertising for a cruise line that went out of business at least seven years ago? 

Lynn graciously added the photo’s because I was concerned about an entrant who has a background similar to mine but who also hosts a radio show and has video of her travels including talking with locals. Now, my dilemma. I have wonderful photos of the Cuna Indians in Panama (very National Geographic) and of a rag-tag street band in Sintra, Portugal. I wouold love to include these photo’s in my video. The thing is, the entry rules clearly state that I need to have a signed Submission Contributer Release on file for anyone in the video. I’m guessing that this other girl doesn’t have one of these on file for the tiny village locals (uh, the village was tiny, not the locals) she has in hers. And no way do I have a release for the Cuna Indians. I mean really. . . I’m frustrated but following the rules. 

Lynn now must re-edit and re-submit. All this while covering the wildfires. I’m thinking that if I get this job, not only do I try to get her a job on my show, but, as Oprah would say, “You get a new car!”

The Filming

So, on Saturday night we filmed. We were going to do it on Sunday night so I could go to a pool party. But, as Lynn, the camera woman works at a local TV station and was on call, she could have gotten called on an assignment at any time. And all it takes is for someone to throw a cigarette out of a car window, start a forest fire and ruin my filming schedule (What? It’s not all about me?). So please, use your ashtray. Better yet, don’t smoke. And yes, she did get called to come in on Sunday due to the forest fires up in Flagstaff.

So, we met at Freestone Park, a great park near my home. I wore my pretty green top, made sure my make-up was done just right, and stood in 105 degree weather for two hours. I wrote my proposed script and read it to Lynn (she’s the professional after all). She liked it so we were good to go.

We found some beautiful spots at the park (and some very scary looking ducks). Is there such a thing as a duck with chicken legs? It turns out I can walk and talk at the same time. Standing on the bridge and talking was a different story. Are 22 takes too much? And since when does the girl with the superglued smile have trouble talking and smiling at the same time. Lynn has the patience of a saint (or maybe just an experienced camerawoman). Two hours later we were finally finished. Hot, sweaty and in desperate need of a cold beer.

Lynn has told me it’s edited at 1 min. 55 seconds. I’m nervous that it’s too short but, it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. As soon as Lynn gets done covering that bothersome fire, she’ll upload it to Oprah. Oprah’s team will just need to review it before it’s posted (need to be sure I’m not some wacked out neo-nazi or drinking shots while filming – hey, that mighyt have cut down the 22 takes) and it will be posted. This is where you come in – Once it’s up, I need your votes. Oprah and Mark Burnett will decide on finalists but the more votes you get, the better. I’ll post the link and then it’s in your hands. Please vote for me if you think I’m worthy.

In the beginning. . .

So, I’ve decided to play the lottery. I am entering the contest to be the next host for the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Do I believe I can do this? Of course! If not, I would not have spent my time on it. In fact, I believe I was born to do this. Time is my only enemy. I’m a bit late getting into the game but I know I will be so impressive that it won’t matter. First task, watch the other videos already submitted and figure out what my show will be about.